Teddy
by WillowRose11656
Summary: Oneshot/AU: Jack Merridew has been arrested and is awaiting his trial in jail, giving him time to reflect on the series of events leading up to this moment. A look at how psychological damage guided his descent into madness. Mature themes.


**WARNINGS**: drug abuse, neglect, violence, Freudian themes**  
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**Part I**

They think I'm crazy. Completely, one hundred percent certifiably insane. I'd have to be, they said, to be able to kill three people in cold blood and laugh afterwards. Like a maniac. But I'm not. They, the ones who locked me up in this little six by eight godforsaken slice of hell, they're too stupid to understand. I hear what others cannot, and see beyond the insignificant boundaries of right and wrong. These so called defenders of justice and peace think they're keeping the public safe from a monster. But you can't keep people safe from themselves.

I lay on the shabby, creaky cot bolted to the floor of the cell. Beside me is a metal toilet and sink from which a few rays of sunlight bounce off and into my eyes. The silence is too much, the light is too much, the very air I breathe in large gasps is suddenly too much. Forty-eight square feet feels like a coffin in which I am being buried alive. I jump up from the cot. I need space and air and release. Around me, the walls close in, closer and closer and closer until they're squeezing my body on every side and I can't move. I push and claw at the brick and scream, sucking in what must be the last of the air. But it does no good, and the room starts spinning around at a dizzying rate. The rays of sun are blinding and then I'm falling into darkness.

**Part II**

I sit on the floor criss cross applesauce in front of Teddy. He's my only friend ever since Mommy gave him to me. Sometimes Teddy talks to me and I talk back. No one else can hear him, though. We started talking when _Paul _started dating Mommy and Mommy stopped loving me as much. At least Teddy still loves me.

At night when I try to go to sleep, he'll sing me a lullaby like Mommy used to do before _Paul _lived with us. Mommy tells me to call him Dad, but I won't. I hate him. I used to sleep with Mommy every night and I wouldn't have nightmares, but _Paul _said he don't want me with them. _Paul _is taking Mommy away from me and I don't like him. Now they're _married_and he's meaner. He always tells me to go away and doesn't let me have candy. Teddy doesn't like him either.

"What do you want to play, Teddy? I'm boooooorrredddd," I whine.

Teddy tells me he wants to play outside. He wants to look for worms like last and slugs. He says we can finish our mission today.

I put on my shoes and wiggle my big toe through the hole. Then look to see if _Paul_is in the front room. He's sleeping on the couch and the TV is on. There are two empty bottles on the coffee table and one that spilled on the carpet. It smells gross. Mommy won't like that.

I go back and grab Teddy, then sneak into the hallway with Mommy's bedroom. She's on her bed looking up at the ceiling. She does this sometimes for hours and won't move. Her arm is hanging off the bed and her sleeve is rolled up. A shoelace is tied around her arm and there are dark spots. Mommy tells me to leave her alone when she does this. She never used be like this before _Paul_.

I come out of Mommy's room and then open the front door and walk outside. There's a big dirt place where Mommy used to grow flowers. Since Paul moved in there aren't any more flowers. But a lot of dirt means a lot of worms.

Teddy says we should start digging before Paul makes us stop like last time. I start moving around the dirt with my hands until I see the pink end of one sticking out. I grab and pull it out then look at it. Mommy is afraid of worms. She says they're too slimy. Teddy told me last time we were here that we should get rid of all of them.

I start pulling the worm on both sides. It starts moving more and the ends of it squirm a lot until it comes apart. I like watching it rip. It's still moving so I throw it on the ground and jump on it. Then I wipe my feet on the worm. The cement turns dark and has little pieces on it. I laugh at it and say, "That's what you get for scaring Mommy."

Teddy agrees and says there are still more we need to get rid of. I start to dig more but then I hear _Paul _behind me.

"Jack what are you doing outside alone? Get back inside right now and stop playing with your stupid little bear!" Paul grabs my arms and turns me around. Then he puts his face next to mine. His breath smells gross like the bottles and his eyes are red. "How many times have I told you you're too old to be carrying around a stuffed animal and you're embarrassing me!"

"But he's my only friend," I tell him.

He takes Teddy and starts walking away with him and says, "I've told your mother that a boy your age shouldn't still be hugging that thing everywhere you go. It's unhealthy. Look at you, you think it's your friend! This has gone on too long, your mother and I are going to have a little talk." He turns and goes to the hall with Mommy's bedroom.

"NO! GIVE ME TEDDY BACK!" I yell. I run after him and try to grab Teddy, but he doesn't let go.

He's holding Teddy by the head and I'm pulling on his leg as hard as I can. Then I fall backwards holding only Teddy's body. His head is in _Paul's_hand.

'_HE HURT ME!_' Teddy's head screams. '_HE NEEDS TO PAY! MAKE HIM HURT!"_

"YOU! YOU! YOU KILLED HIM! MY ONLY FRIEND! YOU… YOU MEANIE HEAD!" I can't think of a bad enough word to call him. No word is bad enough. _Paul_should be a bad word.

"Meanie head?" he laughs like it's funny, but there's nothing funny about it. "Get over it, kid. I should've gotten rid of that crappy bear a long time ago. Grow up and stop being such a wuss," Paul says and throws Teddy's head on the floor. It bounces a little then rolls. White fluffy stuff comes out and lands on the floor.

Teddy's head looks up at me and says, '_Look what he's done to me. To you. We need to get rid of him.'_

I pick up the head and hear Paul say, "Pathetic. Can't even let go of the damn thing when it's broken." He shakes his head and starts walking to me.

Before he can get to me, I run into Mommy's room with Teddy's head. "Mommy! Mommy! Look what _Paul_did to Teddy! He ripped his head off! Look Mommy! Mommy wake up!" I shake her arm that's hanging off her bed. The one with the shoelace tied around it. She doesn't move and her arm feels cold. "Mommy? Wake up!"

"Get out of the way!" Paul yells and pushes me to the side. He shakes her shoulders hard, then puts his hand on her neck. Then he puts his head on her chest. "Karen! Oh my god!" He yells then runs out of the room.

I climb onto the bed and sit next to Mommy. Her eyes are half open and don't see anything. I stroke her hair like she used to stroke mine. I'm scared but I know any second now she'll sit up and laugh and say it's all a joke. Everything's alright.

Paul comes back in with a mirror. He pinches Mommy's nose and puts it above her mouth. I don't know what he's waiting for and nothing happens. "No," is all he says. He stares at her for a minute.

I look down at Teddy's head, but he doesn't say anything to me. "Mommy?" I ask again. I reach for her face but before I can touch it Paul grabs my hand. Tight.

"You! You- you made her like this! This is all your fault! Always so damned clingy it's no wonder she needed to escape for a while! If it weren't for you she wouldn't be dead! You and your stupid bear! You've been nothing but a nuisance and a little pest, God knows how she tolerated you for so long!" He's pointing at me a lot now and his voice is getting louder.

I grab onto Mommy's arm and try to pull my other one away from Paul. He won't let go. His hand around mine is so tight. Too tight. "Stop it! You're hurting me!"

He doesn't hear me. "You're still clinging to her now! SHE'S DEAD AND SHE'S NOT COMING BACK!" He yells and pulls me completely off the bed then let's go.

I fall on the floor, hard and feel something sharp on my arm. I look down and see red on my arm and dripping on the ground. A little glass tube is broken in little pieces and one of them is in my arm. There's also a spoon and lighter next to it. The spoon looks all brown and dark. Blood drips onto the spoon and I can't stop looking at it. Drip drip drip. I see Teddy's head next to me and go to pick him up. Then I feel a sharp pain in my arm and remember the glass.

"Now look what you've done! As if you hadn't already done enough! Just get out of my sight!"

I grab Teddy's head with my other hand and all I see is red. Red on my arm, red on the floor, red on Teddy.

I feel myself being tugged away and then everything looks blurry and my cheeks feel wet and then I'm outside of the room. I need to get back to Mommy. She isn't dead. She can't be. But I can't get back in because Paul closed the door. I hit it with my hands then feel a pain in my arm again.

"Let me in! Nooo! Mommy! Let me in!" I scream and kick the door.

'_She's not dead. He's lying. She loves you more so he wanted her to himself. He's a liar and a killer. Liar liar pants on fire,' _Teddy says.

The room starts turning and everything is blurry and red and too close and I can't breathe. I hear sirens getting louder and louder and everything is moving.

'_Liar liar pants on fire! Liar liar pants on fire!_'

I cover my ears but it won't stop. I need to get out. I start running without looking and then I'm outside. Tears are still in my eyes and I can't see right. The sky looks red. Everything is too much. My arm hurts and I just want my Mommy to kiss it and make it all better.

"Teddy make it stop! Please just make it stop!" I cry and bite the inside of my cheek. I keep biting even though it hurts and starts to bleed.

It feels like I'm falling, but I don't stop. I fall until there's nothing.

**Part III**

"The accused, Jack Merridew, is charged with three counts of first degree murder of sixteen year old Ralph Pearson, fifteen year old Simon McClellen, fifteen year old Peter Cresswell, and for severely injuring sixteen year old Robert Grinham. The accused will be tried as an adult. These felonies are punishable by a maximum of the death sentence to a minimum of life in prison without parole. How does the accused plead?"

"Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor" says my lawyer, a balding, middle aged man. From the second I laid eyes on him I knew I would hate him. Everything about him fills me with anger and I can almost hear Teddy telling me he's lying about everything. He's a liar.

The courtroom is filled with low whispers, and I feel many eyes on my back. I stand up suddenly, before my lawyer can stop me.

"I'm not crazy. I meant to kill those boys and I liked it. I enjoyed seeing their faces as I -" I'm cut off by my lawyer, who I call Baldy. He pushes me down.

"What's wrong with you? We agreed to this beforehand. Sit down and stay quiet," he says sharply, like scolding a child.

I feel my anger rising up now. I turn on him and scream, "NO! I'M NOT INSANE YOU'RE ALL INSANE! DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I WON'T SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET!" My blood is boiling and my vision is turning red.

Red. Red everywhere on everything. Red sky, red blood, red Teddy, like when Mom… No I can't think of that.

Baldy is saying something but I don't hear anything over the pounding in my ears. As I look at him yell at me, I see him turn in _Paul_. He looks like _him._

_Paul_. The one who ruined our lives. Ruined everything. He's standing in front of me. I clench my fists and start moving towards him. I know what Teddy would tell me to do if he was here.

_Hurt, kill. Make him suffer. Make him bleed red. Red._

Then the crack of a gavel cuts through my haze and the security guy is moving toward me. I look back at _Paul_but he's gone. Just Baldy cowering like a little wimp. I'm surprised he hasn't wet himself.

The guard reaches me and starts to escort me from the room. Before I walk out I turn my head over my shoulder and call out, "I'm not sorry! They got what they deserved!"

I hear shocked whispers and murmurs break out among the jury and audience. I catch one last glimpse of their horrified faces before I'm dragged away.

They act as if killing is the most evil thing a person could do. There really is no such thing as evil or good. If there was, then why did the only good person in my life leave me with _Paul_? How could there be evil when moral standards are an illusion? In the end, people just do what they want to feed their own needs. All these superficial pretenses of _manners _and _courtesy_and conforming to _socially acceptable _behavior are just a way people try to deny their own wants. It wasn't _socially acceptable_for a boy to still have a teddy bear. It wasn't _alright_to stick around with the son of a heroin addict, but it was _acceptable_to abandon him halfway across the country and later claim he had run away.

No, there is no right or wrong. I killed those boys because they made me angry and Teddy told me that they needed to be punished.

**Part IV**

I look proudly from my makeshift throne atop a dumpster in the slums of Oakland. After five years of being tossed around between different foster families for five years I finally ran away and settled here. It took me two and a half years to work my way up through the ranks and gain enough power to break away and form my own gang. Now, I can do anything I want. No consequences, no one to tell me what I can and can't do, what is or isn't acceptable.

Teddy sits by my side and I twist his ear absentmindedly. His head still isn't attached to his body, but I tied a ribbon around his neck to hold the two pieces together. He's gotten pretty beaten up over the years, but I can't get a new one. I need him. We still talk a lot, and sometimes Mommy talks to me through him. He's all I have left of her after _Paul _kicked me out. Whenever I think of _him_Teddy whispers violent thoughts in my ear.

Tonight marks one year since I broke away and we're having a revel to celebrate. I see the others dancing and whooping around a trash can bonfire. The flames cast tall, flickering silhouettes against the graffitied brick walls around us.

Some of my boys went out earlier today and caught a coyote that came wandering down the mountains. I killed it and cut off it's head with my own knife. It's bloody head now hangs speared on a sharp stick next to me, glaring down at the madness below.

Rotating on a spit above the bonfire is the remains of the coyote. I was the first to break off a chunk of meat and offer it around the circle of men. Several guys from my old group showed up, too. I guess they wanted in on the fun, being unrestrained from the hierarchy and ranks among other groups. Here, you want something, you take it. No right or wrong, good or bad. Just power and those strong enough to take it for themselves.

They doubted me at first, and laughed at Teddy. They thought I was soft and a weakling. I showed them. Teddy and I showed them who's boss. They learned real quick real fast not to disobey. They don't dare to voice their opinions about Teddy or my past anymore, and they know my rules.

Scanning the mass of people down below me, I see something suspicious in the shadowy corner of the alley. I squint and make out a shiny reflection off a needle and see a lighter beneath a spoon. Three of them are huddled around it, as if to block my view. But there's a reason I had my throne built high enough to see every nook and cranny of this place.

I feel my heart pounding suddenly, looking at them. The fire grows larger and overwhelmingly fills the alley. Its tongues of flame lick the walls on both sides, egging me on. Even the coyote head is smiling cruelly upon them.

Before I realize I've moved, I'm standing in front of them and I grab the syringe out of one of their hands. Ralph Pearson. He was the ringleader of my old group. Looking around at their fearful, cowering faces I recognize all of them. Simon McClellan, one of the weak ones who got picked on frequently and soon joined me. The last one surprises me, Peter Cresswell. He always was the type to look before leaping and never take any chances. Never wanted to rock the boat and give the others more of a reason to taunt him. He was always self conscious about his weight, so I started calling him Piggy. Interesting he would use heroin in my presence.

Heroine. The thing that drove a mother to abandon her only child. That evil, vile substance that took Mommy away from me. That left me with _Paul_. I feel my rage boiling under the surface.

"Just _what _do you think you're doing?" I ask with an icy cold, dangerous voice. I take time to look each of them in their eyes until they look away.

Ralph speaks up first, "We just thought that… It's just heroine. We deal with every other kind of drug, so why should this one be banned? We're not little kids and you can't control what we do!" He ends his little speech, chest puffed out and looking me dead in the eyes.

"Yeah!" Simon pipes up, encouraged by Ralph's boldness, "We shouldn't have to obey your every command! It's a revel tonight, why not have a little fun?" Immediately after he almost seems embarrassed by his words and and his ears turn red.

Red. That familiar color.

_PUNISHMENT. THEY DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED. _Teddy's voice screams at me. _MAKE THEM BLEED, MAKE THEM SUFFER! THEY DISOBEYED! THEY SAID THEY UNDERSTOOD THE RULES BUT THEY DIDN'T FOLLOW THEM! THEY'RE LIARS! LIARS!_

My anger must show on my face because whatever thought Piggy was about to voice dies in his throat. Vaguely I hear the fire roar and grow behind me, growling like a feral animal. Or maybe that sound is coming from me. It doesn't really make a difference because right now I'm so heated I am the fire. I will consume these three boys and nothing with stop me.

"You thought it would be okay. You dare to question my authority here? Remember what happened to the last one who tested me? Maybe you need a little reminder!" I scream.

"Please! We didn't mean any harm by it! Please!" Piggy squeals.

But I can't hear him over the roaring in my ears and Teddy's voice.

_LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE! LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE! _Again and again it repeats until I'm chanting with it. My vision has a red tint over it.

The boys' faces are terrified, completely petrified with fear. I like them better like this.

With a battle cry, I swing my fist into Simon's face and then stab him with the syringe in my other hand. Over and over again until he's nothing but a bloody mess. I don't even hear his screams or pleas. Dimly I'm aware that the rest of my gang has gathered in a semicircle around us, watching, egging us on, whooping.

I look up at Ralph and Piggy try to escape, but they're pushed back by the crowd. Good. Without thinking of what to do next, I lunge at Piggy and start tearing him apart. Using my teeth this time, ripping at his flesh, tearing at his skin. The salty, metallic taste of blood coats my tongue, and I savour every drop of it.

Finally just Ralph is left. I move toward him and bump my foot into a loose brick on the ground. I grin.

_Use it. Bash his head in. Taste his blood. Kill!_

I pick it up and charge at Ralph. He puts his forearms up to protect his head, but it's no good after the first few blows. His arms become a bloody mess and he falls to the ground. I step on his hands, feeling his bones crunch beneath my foot. Then I kick his head repeatedly and just as I'm about to finish him off with the brick, something knocks me to the side.

Robert Grinham, a newer member.

"Enough! You've already killed two of them! Stop! You need to calm down!" He raises a tiny little pocket knife like it's threatening.

I chuckle, "You think you can stop me? And with that sorry excuse for a weapon? You're crazy!"

"Yes! I've already called the police. You've murdered. You're a murderer!" He screams shrilly.

"You called the cops? You called! You!" An inhuman sound rips from my throat and suddenly I'm on top on him. I grab his hair and smash his head into the ground over and over again.

The wail of several sirens starts to grow in the distance, fueling my anger. I can't form complete thoughts or sentences. My head is swirling with all my emotions and an overwhelming urge to release them.

"ARRGHGGHGH! HOW COULD… YOU CALLED… WHY…. KILL…"

_HE MUST SUFFER, MAKE HIM PAY! HE'S CALLED THE COPS! TEAR HIS FLESH, SPILL HIS BLOOD, RIP HIM APART!_

I can't see anything anymore. My vision has gone completely red and all I hear is Teddy and the sirens getting louder and louder and louder. I remember that Robert is still lying at my feet. I look at my handiwork, the four bodies around me, and I laugh. I throw my head back and howl. They got what they deserved! Ha! Even Teddy is laughing.

Shouting and the click of the safety being turned off of a gun. I turn and then I see several cops. Suddenly I'm drowning in the flashing lights and sirens and yelling and fire. I put my hands over my ears and scream. It's too much. I curl into a ball, and I rock back and forth. Why did Mommy have to leave? None of this would have happened if she hadn't gone. Why?

Strong hands pull me up roughly then drop me to the ground on my stomach. Cold hard metal bites into my wrists and people are yelling. A gunshot goes off and a pool of blood appears before me.

I just want my mommy. I hear her voice looking at Teddy. She's telling me it's all _Paul's _fault. Everything will be alright, but Paul must die. She always loved me more than _him_.

Why did she have to leave?

Why did she have to?

Why did she have?

Why did she?

Why?

**Part IV**

The death sentence. They've sentenced me to die at noon by lethal injection.

I don't know how to feel. I just want Paul dead. They asked what I wanted for my last meal and I said I wanted his head on a plate. I meant it, too.

I'm in a different cell now, this time on death row. I never imagined it would end this way. When I was first put in here, I tried to destroy everything I could. I kicked, scratched and punched the walls until my knuckles split open and two of my fingernails tore off. I cursed every guard I saw and every person who led to my incarceration. I screamed a couple of times, too. Not the shrill, angry ones I normally do, but the deep, anguished cry of a trapped and wounded wild animal.

Eventually I just lost my fight, and spent the rest of my time until now doing nothing. I thought I'd die of boredom before I'm actually scheduled to die. I wish I had Teddy to talk to. We always had the best conversations.

The door to my cell opens and I hear a voice telling me to get up. It's time.

Slowly I sit up, stretch, then take my time walking to the door. They handcuff my hands behind my back and lead me through a series of hallways and stairs until we go into a room with a bed. There are different monitors set up around it and an IV bag hanging from a stand. They help me into it, then strap my hands to a bar on either side of the bed. My legs and torso are also restrained. As if I wanted to escape.

A man in a white lab coat walks in followed by a few others. He's holding a clipboard in his hand and mechanically reads off of it. The other nurses attach the IV to my left arm and record my vitals. The machines beep to life. I hear my heartbeat on the machine. Strange that I still have one.

Finally he finishes and looks up at me for the first time. He asks if I have any last words.

I open my mouth to say something about Paul or not being sorry, but all that comes out is "I want my mommy," in a whispered croak. I look down because I can't bear to see the expressions on their faces.

After a moment comes the doctor's cold, professional voice, "We're going to put you to sleep with an anesthetic now, then inject you with a lethal dose of midazolam and hydromorphone," he pauses, then adds, "It'll be completely painless and fast, Mr. Merridew."

I nod because I don't trust myself to speak again. I just feel numb. No feelings of anger or hate or sadness come to me. For a second I see an image of _Paul _surface, but I push it down. Deep down.

One of the nurses hangs a new bag to the IV stand and connects it to the needle in my arm. "You're going to start to feel drowsy in a just a second, dear," she says kindly.

I don't respond. My vision starts to blur a little and my eyes feel like they have lead weights in them. I look up at the nurse hovering above me and notice she has blue eyes and brown hair, just like Mommy. The edges of my vision start to go dark and I see her face in the middle, like at the end of a tunnel. Mommy's smiling at me and telling me it'll be alright, I just need to come to her.

"Mommy?" I think I hear myself whisper so quietly, it's almost inaudible, even to my own ears.

_Everything's alright now, sweetie. _Paul _is gone, it's just us now. Like it used to be. Just the two of us together_

I relax and sink into the darkness.

-

A/N: This was actually originally a school project meant to incorporate Freudian themes into our own Lord of the Flies fiction. As you can see, I went rather dark with it. This is my first time publishing a work here, so I thought I would start small and work up from here. Thank you all for reading, any reviews and feedback are welcome :)


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